


You're losing sight, you're losing touch

by TheRegularWriter



Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [9]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Bro Lars, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Bonding, Butterflies, Canon Divergence, First Time Gem Fusion, Friendship, Gem Fusion, Gen, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Steven Universe Future, Steven has issues and desperately needs hugs, Trauma, Traumatized Steven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22905538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRegularWriter/pseuds/TheRegularWriter
Summary: As his first time existing, the fusion was doing just fine. But when mysterious butterflies appear, he's torn between knowing what they are and having no idea whatsoever.Or, Lars gets to see the massive weight of issues Steven carries. Literally.
Relationships: Lars Barriga & Steven Universe
Series: Even in the clutches of certain doom... you're happy to have each other [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573531
Comments: 15
Kudos: 253





	You're losing sight, you're losing touch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wowthwtslame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wowthwtslame/gifts).



> decided to change the formula a tiny bit... but overall, here you have Steven suffering and Lars coming to his aid again, because I really have no life (and I need somewhere to vent). Also, the new SUF promo killed me, and I've seen some leaks lying around....... hooo boy, Stevo is gonna have it rough.
> 
> So here! Have some pain! :D
> 
>  **ALSO!!** This was inspired by the wonderful wowthwtslame (twig._ on Instagram)! They're an incredible artist and one of the people that encourage me to keep writing Lars & Steven centered stories! They also came up with a very cute design for Stars that I definitely pictured here in this fic --> https://www.instagram.com/p/B8t9-OFJQRD/ - Go check the rest of their work too!!

Isn’t it so strange how you feel like you were just born, and yet you seem to already know some things? Maybe this is how gems felt when they were first created…

He awakens with only a pair of exposed feet, along with much bigger, curlier hair covering the right part of his face. Another thing to note is his skin tone, which is not as pink as he thought it should be, nor is it too human.

It only clicks to him when he realizes there’s a cold, polished surface replacing his belly button.

“Woah!” He exclaims. “Steven, did we…?” Weirdly enough, he is talking to himself.

“Oh my gosh, we fused!”

“We did? That’s—wow, that’s…”

He laughs, in confusion but… he can’t say he dislikes it. It’s odd and _new_.

Immediately insecurity rises inside him.

“O-Oh no, I’m sorry,” He apologizes. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Wait, it’s… it’s fine.” He looks at the surface around him, realizing he’s been sitting on the beach. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah… we’re okay.”

The fusion looks up, finding himself by the beach. He doesn’t quite remember anything from… before. He supposes Steven and Lars were having a moment for themselves, now with the latter back home for some time. Now they’re both gone, but… they’re here, too.

Wow, this is super weird; and yet it’s so familiar.

It takes some struggling, but he makes it to his feet, and spots the beach house from afar. Should he think of a name or should he reveal himself to the gems now? He’s sure Garnet will never stop getting excited over Steven fusing with anyone; it’s priceless. Rhodonite would love to meet him, too.

Yeah, he could do that. Or he could just… stay, right? It’s not like he has all the time in the world. Not when, one day, Lars will head back to space and he’ll be…

…

He shakes his head. “Sorry.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Maybe we…” He gulps. “ _I_ should stay here. Yeah?”

“Right… okay.”

Suddenly, this doesn’t feel too good. He feels whole, found… but there is something in his chest that he can’t explain. Or he doesn’t want to explain. So, he tries focusing on the soft waves touching the sand. The seagulls are singing in the distance, flying towards the horizon. The sun is about to set, so the sky is an absolutely beautiful, colorful mix.

This is nice. He doesn’t want this to end. Not yet.

 _It won’t_ , he reassures himself. _Just appreciate the moment._

He tries, all the while striving not to give attention to the bad feeling inside him. He should be grateful he’s here at all, having this.

So why is he feeling bad?

(He probably knows the answer, but does he want to admit it?)

He gulps. “Is this really okay?”

“O-Of course! It’s fine, everything is fine. We’re fine, _I’m_ fine. Just- fine.”

Yeah, way to go… But he’ll be okay.

… right?

Aside from the sunlight, something bright catches his eyes. The fusion meets a little… white butterfly, flying as if surrounding him. Now that’s weird…

Simultaneously, he freezes in place. He then avoids looking at it, all the while sensing its approach.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Nothing- it’s nothing.”

“It’s just a butterfly… a weird one at that,” He mumbles, trying to look at it again, but stopping himself.

“Stop looking at it!” He hisses.

“Hey, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t know!” He lies. He frowns and looks down. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Is there something I don’t know?”

“I said it doesn’t matter!”

He groans. “Dude, why are you-?!”

The white butterfly is much closer now, startling him and causing him to fall backwards on the sand. Much to his horror, two butterflies are now chasing him.

“No, _no_ —” With his arms, he manages to distance himself from them.

“What are they?” He wonders. He doesn’t answer.

The fusion braces himself, no longer breathing too well. He shuts his eyes forcefully.

“It’s okay, we’re okay, _we’re okay_ —” He reassures himself, repeating said words like a mantra. “Don’t think about it. Don’t look at it. It’s going to be okay.” He soon stops himself.

“Wait, we can’t just avoid them! Why are they creeping you out?”

He grunts. “Shut up!”

Oh no, he’s- he’s falling apart. He can feel it. He doesn’t want to go, not yet, please, _he doesn’t want to be alone again—_

“I’m sorry!” He begs. “Please, don’t leave me—”

“I’m not leaving! Just, help me understand!”

“There’s nothing to understand! We don’t have to think about it!”

“ _Steven_ -!”

A wave of some sort knocks him down, causing him to yelp. As he tries to stand up, he finds a plethora of butterflies flying in an infinity route. He covers his mouth, to silence his own horrified gasp as tears begin blinding his vision.

What is this? He knows, but he doesn’t. It’s… It’s terrifying all at same.

He takes a step back, legs no longer working with him. They’re trembling as if they were made of jelly.

“No…” He whispers, tears rolling down his face. “I—”

Before he says or does anything, the butterflies are coming for him. There’s no time to escape.

He screams before he's suffocated by them.

* * *

Jolting awake, Lars realizes he’s not… he’s not in another body anymore. It’s like something is missing from him.

That’s when his stomach drops.

“Steven?!” He calls for him, in the middle of that… room? Place? It’s not quite a void when there’s a ground below him.

The realm or something is furiously orange, almost becoming a violent red, with a distant yellow filling the sky(?). Lars finds nothing in there.

“Steven! STEVEN!” He screams louder, despite the nothingness in that place.

He pulls his own pink hair with both hands, hyperventilating as there’s absolutely no sign of Steven anywhere.

“No, Steven… _no_ …” Lars hiccups.

He can’t have failed. Not _again_.

A voice he never expected to hear makes it to his ears.

_Come on! Lars, you gotta get up! We gotta move!_

Behind him, there’s a gigantic butterfly that projects a dreadful memory. Sadie is caught by a big arm, and she tries to reach him with a hand.

_Lars! Come on! Help me! **Lars**!_

Crying in desperation, Lars runs to save her; only for the image to disappear into countless white butterflies, something that immediately alarms him. He turns around, deciding to run away, when from the corner of his eye, he finds out that someone is trapped inside the vortex full of insects.

Lars gasps. “Steven!”

He advances towards the other boy, who’s miserably bracing himself from the butterflies. Steven turns pink, much like that other time at the graduation.

“No, don’t come here!”

Lars doesn’t listen; not until his fingers touch the wings, sharp as a knife. His hand is not visibly injured, yet it doesn’t soothe Steven in any way.

“I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t m-mean to-!” The kid sobs, gasping as the volume of butterflies increase dramatically.

While freaking out as he has no idea what these butterflies really mean, he does realize that their behavior worsens as Steven grows more unstable.

“Steven!” Lars calls him again. “C’mon, dude, talk to me! What are these things?”

“Go away! You’re gonna get hurt!”

“I _don’t care!”_ The older raises his voice. “I’m not leaving you! Just—” He takes a breath. “Please, just talk to me, okay? I want to understand, I-I want- I want to help. Please.”

He’s pretty much begging, seeing how much pain Steven is in.

“I…” The younger lowers his tone, to the point where Lars almost can’t hear. “I can’t…”

“You can. I’m right here, I’m gonna get you out of there, okay? But talk to me first.”

Steven sniffs and the white vortex is not as aggressive as before. Lars takes a tentative step forward.

“I-It’s so _much_ , Lars,” Steven explains.

“What is?”

“Everything! E-Everything is too much! I-It hurts!”

Lars’ heart breaks in a million pieces at the kid’s words, and he wants nothing but tackle him in a hug. But first, he must calm him down.

“All my life, I was supposed to help people! I never stopped helping them,” Steven continues. “Even if I got hurt or upset, it didn’t matter, as long as everyone else was okay. I was okay with that! But now, now that everything is over, I can’t live normally! E-Everyone is moving on and- and I’m trying to do that, too, b-but it’s like…”

Lars takes another step, listening in silence. Steven sniffs again.

“I’m so angry and _sad_ , I shouldn’t be when things are finally over, right?” The latter questions, not requiring an answer. “Everyone is happy, so why aren't I?! What’s **_wrong_** with me?!”

The butterflies grow again. Lars yelps.

“Steven, look at me!” He commands, noting that the kid has barely moved, nor is even facing him.

“No! I-I don’t want to look at it! I don’t want _to think about it!”_

For once, Lars gets it. The butterflies… they’re all of Steven’s problems. All of his anguishes and guilts. That’s… That’s why they showed Sadie to Lars. Because it’s something he still regrets himself; he regrets his fear holding him back.

Steven keeps avoiding his problems, but they only get bigger and bigger, thus isolating him from everyone and everything else. He’s… trapping himself in there.

“Steven, you have to,” Lars calmly tells him “You can’t keep avoiding it forever.”

“But I can’t face it! I have to be strong!”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time!”

“If I’m not, I’m gonna fail everyone!”

“You won’t!”

“You don’t understand!” Steven hisses, the butterflies almost attacking Lars again and nearly drowning Steven in them again.

“Steven!”

“Y-You can’t understand how I feel!” The kid yells, more intense, growing pinker by each second.

“Then you’ve gotta tell me, so I can get you out!” Lars suggests.

“J-Just leave me here, please, I c-can’t- I can’t get anyone hurt again. I-I almost lost everyone, I can’t lose you too, I can’t…”

Steven only breaks more, his sounds too painful to hear.

“Steven, _please_ , look at me.” Lars begs again, trying to calm himself down at the same time.

“No!”

“I promise it’s going to be okay—"

“Stop! Please, stop, I-I’m—” Steven gulps. “I’m **_scared!_** _”_

Lars freezes at that choice of words. He swallows a lump in his throat and approaches slowly.

“It’s… It’s okay, remember?” He asks. “It’s okay to be afraid.”

At that, Steven also quiets down. The butterflies are far from gone, yet they seem to be decreasing more now. Lars takes that as a good sign, so he’s not so hesitant to advance.

“It’s okay to be scared, Steven. I mean, look at all of this,” Lars tries to encourage him to look, but he only manages to get Steven to raise his head a bit, eyes closed. “You have every right to be afraid, to be angry and sad. That doesn’t make you any less strong.”

He only gets silence as an answer, yet he’s aware that Steven is actually listening.

“Your feelings are valid, they’re as valid as everyone else’s. You’re just as important,” Lars reassures him. “We care a lot about you, dude. _I_ care about you. I want to help you get through this, because I know it feels like hell. It feels like nothing is going to get right, ever. That’s why you’ve gotta have someone to rely on. You don’t have to face this alone.”

Finally, he sees that Steven is looking at his direction, but he gasps and retreats to the same terrified pose as before.

“Hey, hey, keep looking at me, okay? It’s okay.” Lars tries to soothe him.

Steven sniffs. “I-I’m so scared…”

“I know. But you… you don’t have to be scared on your own. I’m here, and I promise you I won’t leave, okay?”

That seems to improve things, because Steven is more confident to look up, to attempt to stand up to the butterflies. The insects don’t attack him, they just keep on surrounding him. He gazes at each one of them, dark eyes flooding with more tears. Lars is now much closer than before, and, like that, he opens his arms.

“You can get out of there. I’m gonna catch you,” Lars tells him.

“W-Wait, Lars—” Steven hesitantly backs away. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t. I’ll be fine, and so will you. Do you trust me?”

The teary-eyed teen gapes at him, all the while Lars is keeping on a supportive smile, when he’s fighting back his own tears. Steven watches the white beings flying around him, only to fall back to Lars, and so the kid takes a deeper breath, mumbling to himself, “Just breathe.”

Soon enough, Steven goes for it, but he races as he’s closer to Lars and practically launches himself at the other’s arms. He breaks down to more sobbing.

“Here, here, I’ve got you.” Lars holds him as tight as he can. “I’m so proud of you.”

“L-Lars, I’m sorry, I’m—”

“Don’t apologize, you’re fine. We’re okay.”

Steven screams, his pink state not fading, but Lars can’t care enough about it as he comforts the kid with soothing nonsense, all the while rubbing the back of his trembling body. Lars can hear the butterflies flying around the two of them, and at some point, he gives them attention while not letting go of Steven.

He sees… a lot. He finds multiple gems, the Diamonds, his mom. Steven nearing his death so many times that Lars is horrified. The one with White Diamond… _goodness_. For how long has he been quiet about all of that?

From what he senses, he can also tell that Steven is watching them, too. As soon as that last projection widens in contrast to the rest, the kid whimpers and buries his face back into Lars’ chest.

“I’m here,” Lars repeats, grounding him with a squeeze. “I’m not letting go, okay? Just keep holding onto me.”

Meanwhile, he gets to listen to the other projections. It’s… It’s really a lot, so much that Lars can’t describe. It’s a mess involving space, gems trying to kill him, loved ones getting captured or hurt… It hits him the fact that Steven is just a kid, for crying out loud. It’s so _unfair_.

It feels like forever, but then they both notice that the butterflies are flying away. The two boys watch them leave, while having each other’s backs. The orange-schemed realm turns a soft, safe blue; at that, Steven fully relaxes in Lars’ hold, which is enough for the former to end the hug. Lars keeps him close by a hand on his shoulder, though.

“See? We did it,” He tells the kid with a smile on his face. “You were so brave, dude.”

Steven can’t help the wet laugh. His pink state has faded. “Y-Yeah, we… we did it. I did it.”

Lars pats his shoulder, guiding him to sit on the ground; only for Steven to lie down and sigh deeply, Lars joining soon after. In the endless blue sky, the white projections fly, though they both know they won’t be truly gone. They’ll always be somewhere up there.

Steven shoots a melancholic gaze at the sky, perhaps thinking the same as Lars. The older reaches his hand and squeezes it in reassurance. A shy smile cracks in Steven’s face once he holds it as tightly back.

Almost simultaneously, they close their eyes.

* * *

Rather than endless blue, he’s met with the multicolored sunset again, and feels sand dirtying his back.

He sits up, groaning lightly. Almost on instinct, his eyes widen when remembering what last happened.

“Are you-?” He interrupts himself when recognizing the same pair of soft pink legs. “Okay?”

The fusion is back at the beach, the sun almost leaving the sky. He laughs, his eyes growing deep.

“Y-Yeah… I’m okay,” He replies. This time, he’s not lying.

Around him, he finds nobody else… but he doesn’t feel alone nor scared; not anymore.

At last, the fusion looks way up at the sky. The growing purple hue reveals several stars shining already. Gazing in awe, his mind lightens up like a lamp.

“Stars…” He thinks out loud, his smile growing. “It’s perfect.”

He thinks about it, then proceeds to chuckle, hugging his own knees. Stars watches the sun leave, while admiring the tiny balls of fire that inspire him so much.

**Author's Note:**

>  **EDIT (04/12):** Y'ALL, WhisperOfTheDay made some incredible fanart for this story!!!! They posted it on their Instagram account, hivemindscape --> https://www.instagram.com/p/B-5kUu0pQCz/


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